Why I dont ask anyone to stay
We back with Voiceovers! yay
Once upon a time, many unconscious iterations of Sandy Hernandez Trigueros ago, I begged someone to stay. By "begged," I mean the full-fledged, all-but-said "I beg you" and all-but-got-on-my-knees kind of begging. I would say “ick," but I have so much compassion for that iteration of her. I hold her now in respect and sacredness for what she showed me, taught me, and helped me become.
And as I sit sandwiched between my godchildren on our way to a family weekend getaway, I’m thinking of the many times I’ve observed people mistaking someone “choosing them” for love, when in fact, it’s attachment. And what I mean by attachment in this sense is a bond that is trying to resolve something within each other by taking or giving something that is not love but feels like being tied. Or in other words, you feel tied to them and like you can’t leave. The other day, I had the thought: I don’t necessarily desire love that “sets me free”; I desire love that keeps me free. The difference here is that one acknowledges my inherent freedom, and the other puts me in a victim state where I am only free once they/it arrives.
To meeee, true love is free. What is it to you?
True love is embodied action. True love is expressions that are embodied. In other words, when someone’s words align with their actions—especially when no one is watching (integrity). Further, when someone’s gestures (expressions, physical, emotional, etc.) align with their embodiment (their values, their life, their choices), because it shows how they lead their life.
Expressions are so much more than words, and embodiment is so much more than action, so I needed to expand on that. And further-further—haha—when I refer to love, I do not silo it to partnership. I mean love in friendship, in family, in relationships of all kinds—the kind I envision the world is heading back toward.
By "free," I do not mean responsibility-free. I do not mean without giving. I do not mean immature. Y’all live awfully indoctrinated by definitions (not your fault—18 years of definitions and another five did that), so you’re forcing me to really expand and articulate. Until people are taught how to think instead of what to think, spoon-feeding is the only way. Can you tell I’m frustrated by the black-and-white, limiting ways of the Western modern world? Like I said not your fault, but now it’s our responsibility to dismantle, one, but more like 100 “WHYs?” at a time.
Hehe.
I’ve noticed people often depend on someone—or something—to set them free, not realizing they are actually caged by their minds and programming. What I mean by their minds is that, our minds are designed to keep us safe. If we’re not doing something out of love, then we are doing it out of fear. The goal isn’t to be fearless. The goal here is to be Aware (read that again).
Sometimes it’s easier to wait to “be set free” because if they don’t—or it doesn’t arrive—then we can have an excuse for we are the way we are. In other words, being limitless and free often scares people more than being imprisoned. And this is because self-imprisonment is familiar and comfortable and therefore feels safe. And the unknown is obscure and endless. Can you imagine being imprisoned but without bars? Oh yeah, look around, you’ll see it. Each of the above can be expanded so much more, but for now, we will let it be there. Okay let’s shake a little, sending you a hug, because that was also a lot.
To follow is a list of lessons I firsthand learned in my journey to reclaiming my inherent freedom, not all inclusive cause remember ADHD.
From a Family Systems Perspective
When I was in that attached relationship, I was replaying the missing of my parents when I was younger. I was begging them to stay, but if I trace it back, I was really stuck in a movement that was interrupted with my parents at a very young age, on multiple occasions when I had to go without them. If you are finding yourself in a similar situation, you may likely be begging Mom or Dad to stay or something that felt “missing” as a child—not them or it (whatever it is). They’re just bringing that emotion to the surface for you. And if you’ve ever had a particularly hard time with someone going cold on you, or general difficulty with “losing" things there’s a high likelihood you can trace this back to a desire for something that was missing in childhood to return.
But now, as you play this out with someone other than your parents or situation, that is begging someone or something to fill a part in you that you need to fill yourself first. Because if you do not break this cycle, someone or something else will play tug-of-war with you, hashing out their own drama. And even this is a simplified version. If you need more guidance, I’m here, but I’m trying to give you something to go off of.
Who are what did you have to go without that you try to replay in your relationships today?
True Love Perspective
If you cannot let someone go, I challenge you to ask yourself: Is that loving to someone? I know some people romanticize others begging them to stay when they say, “I’m going to leave,” and will go as far as saying, “I wish you asked me to stay.” To that I say: Why would you want someone to stay who wants to go? And if I want someone to keep me free, then why wouldn’t I love that way too?
So now, once someone tells me—or shows me—that they no longer want to be in relationship with me, I simply say, “Okay.” A calm, accepting, loving “okay.” A restless “okay.” An "I wish you well and accept your truth" kind of way.
And if you’re struggling to let go of something or someone, what if you stopped resisting?
Four Ways Mantras to Help with Resistance
If it was meant to be different, it would be, because everything that is, is meant to be.
What you resist persists. If you resist their departure, you persist in the pain.
I can also “walk away.” I lay this down.
I used to believe I had to “wait around” in case they changed their mind. Now I realize that was me playing into a place where I needed to love myself better.
They do not complete me, I am complete.
Every time you ask them to stay, you are asking them to fill a part of you they are not responsible for filling.
And that is dependent love.
Dependent love will end.
Dependent love, conditional love, is tit-for-tat. It’s built on unresolved wounds, not unconditional love. It says, “I can only love you if you stay.” Unconditional love says, “I love you whether you stay or go, and the part I choose to play in this is up to me.” Unconditional love goes beyond a script. It is a love so deep and profound.
Okay I’m getting bored of typing even though I have more to say. But Lastly…..
LASTLY!!
Loving is never wrong—in any form. Loving is the truest thing we can do as humans. I think acting like anyone or anything was a waste of time is disrespectful and untruthful to what was. I accept that I loved deeply in the way I knew how to in those moments. And it was not a waste of time. It was and therefore it was meant to be and now it’s not and so I set it free.
Hmm What’s going on with me?
I have one week left in Chicago, then it’s off to Sun Diego. I don’t think I can survive this coldness anymore, but hey, the more I resist, the more it persists. Ha.
xoxoxo
Sandy
